Adjustment Timeline

At 3 years old, our son was considered an older child when we adopted him. When we started on the adoption journey, we had 'happy thoughts' of cuddling with our first child. We dreamed of what parenthood would be like.

Those dreams came to a crashing halt when we adopted him and we ALL went through the adjustment period. At times we were exhausted, overwhelmed, discouraged.

Thank goodness that is all a distant memory now. More than 5 years later, we are all well adjusted and thriving as a family. But it took a lot of work to get here.

Take a sneak peek at my journal I kept:

February 9 - We have our son! He is completely overstimulated, but oh so cute! He is so loving and wants to cuddle and kiss all the time. He freaked out in the bathtub and when we put him on the toilet. He fell asleep very easily.

Februay 10 - He woke up at 5am, ready to eat everything in sight. He is so hungry, poor baby! We might have a small problem. We tell him "no" and he laughs.

February 11 - Last night was rough. He didn't want to sleep but he was so tired. When I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said yes - but I'd put him in bed and he'd completely freak out. He screamed for 2 hours straight. He finally fell asleep with us on either side of him.

February 12 - Going to sleep was difficult again tonight. He just doesn't want to go to sleep and fights it with every ounce of his being. I was holding him and he was trying to push me away but I just held him tight and talked to him in my calm voice.

February 18 - We came home a few days ago. Everyone is anxious to meet him but he is completely overstimulated with it all and wants to just sit on my lap and be shy. I know cameras flashing, people crying, strangers in his face must be a lot to process.

February 20 - He seems to be adjusting okay, except for sleeping. He screams like crazy, for hours on end, in the middle of the night. It's like he's always been with us, though. Sure, we have some issues to work through, but I'm so glad he's here.

February 22 - He slept through the night for the first time! Yeah!!

February 24 - Well, there are 3 things: the potty, sleeping, and eating. We can get 2 out of the 3 right, but never all 3. Ugh.

February 27 - Last night, I heard him crying. I went in to check on him and he was laying in the middle of the floor! I picked him up and put him back in bed, wondering what had happened. I went back to bed and told my husband and he said, "Oh, yeah, I thought I heard a thump..." What?? I never even heard it! We are EXHAUSTED!

March 1 - Being a mom is more than I imagined. It's amazing and I love every moment. But I wish we could get this sleep thing kicked. I can't believe how much he screams. He makes his body stiff, he throws his head back, and he arches his back. If that doesn't work, he'll do anything to keep himself awake - picking his nose, flopping around on his bed, calling the dog. Just go to sleep - you don't have to do this for 2 hours every night!!

March 4 - Today he purposely (hatefully) ripped a photo album and picked his lips raw. What in the world??

March 10 - I bought him new shoes today. He tried them on in the store and was so excited. When I took them off, he cried. A lot. But when we got home and he saw he still had them, he squealed! He's not used to having anything, poor thing!

March 14 - It's been one month since we've been home, a little more than that since we've gotten custody. It seems like forever. I can't believe it just seems like he's always been here. The pain of the wait is a distant memory.

March 24 - We're having potty issues. I don't get it. When we're out, he'll keep his pants dry but at home, he could care less if he wets his pants. If I ask him if he has to go, he'll scream "NO!" If I take him to the bathroom, he'll scream. But when he goes in the potty, he yells "YAY!" I am at a loss.

March 26 - Big day! He said, "I love you!"

April 4 - I am so over this sleep problem!! It is so random, one night he'll sleep through the night and the next he's up every few hours. How is he not exhausted?? I know I am!!

April 5 - Well, just when my heart was melting because he couldn't stop telling me, "I love you!", I learned he loves everything. Today after he went to the bathroom, he flushed the toilet and said, "Bye bye, kucky, I love you!" then blew kisses down the toilet.

April 6 - We are going on a weekend road trip and he threw up all over the car. Lovely. It was everywhere.

April 7 - I am exhausted. He can't sleep in this hotel.

April 9 - He didn't have a nap today and fell asleep in 6 minutes flat tonight. It's a minor miracle.

April 15 - Instead of napping in the car on longer trips, he just cries. Screams might be a better word. When he stops screaming, he remembers he should be crying and starts all over again. Ugh.

April 18 - Rough day. He was crying about everything. For example, if I asked him if he wanted a cookie, he'd say yes. I'd give him one, he'd shout "NO COOKIE!" and throw it and then cry. I'm so confused.

April 24 - He is very angry for no apparent reason. Today, he was giving me dirty looks, "flapping" his arms, kicking his feet, screaming, crying, holding his breath. I tried to hold him and tell him I love him and he tried to push me away. Once I held him for 25 minutes until he calmed down. I just told him I loved him over and over. What is going through his mind???

April 25 - He is going from cuddly to angry in 2 seconds flat. I'm at a loss.

May 3 - He finally fell asleep at 10:30 last night after quite the fight. He woke up at 7:30 this morning. I am exhausted. Why isn't he???

May 5 - Big day. I took a shower while he wasn't sleeping! I'm so brave. ha ha ha.

May 7 - We've decided to stop rocking him to sleep. It's not working. He is flip flopping like crazy in his bed. I know this is the right transition, so we'll keep trying.

May 11 - We went to Toys R Us for the first time today. Big mistake. He was way too overstimulated.

May 17 - He's been sleeping through the night with no wake ups! It's been 3 or 4 nights in a row now. Exciting!!

The rest is history.... the first 3 months were the toughest for adjustment. We worked hard on fostering a relationship with our son. And he with us. After that, our family really began to become a family. The rest of my journal talks about zoo trips, vacations, cute things he said. But those first 3 months were so important for attaching as a family. Exhausting, but important.

I'm not suggesting that the magic number is 3 months - that will be different for everyone. The key is - expect it to be worse than you think it will be. Don't expect cuddles and kisses and happily ever after. You've got to work hard for that to happen. And then you've got to work harder.

Getting to know our son's needs

Today was the day! We would finally meet our son! We traveled to Ethiopia with two other couples and we were all filled with butterflies. Our hosts came out and invited the first couple in. And then the second.

Then it was our turn - and we were told, "Your son is napping."

For a deflating two hours, we mingled with the other children at the orphanage and took pictures on behalf of other waiting parents. We would stick our heads in the room of the sleeping 2-year-olds and hope our son had awakened. We waited and waited. Finally his beautiful eyes were opened and I picked our son up.

Now, I am an adoption "veteran". I know that during the first meeting of adoptive parents and children, the Disney music is NOT always playing in the background. However, I had not prepared myself for our son's crying. He was emotionally attached to the wonderful caretakers at the transition house. In his world, he knew who was supposed to be there lifting him out of his crib - and it wasn't 1) a man who 2) spoke a language he had never heard. My son started crying and had to be taken by his nanny to calm and soothe him.

I, the adoption vet, felt terrible. I was tired from jet lag and totally depressed. I tried to put on a brave face, but I was bummed. My wife wisely played off the tenderness of the nanny who absolutely loved our son. Watching her, learning from her, my wife began the long process of bonding with our boy. I moped around the margins.

The next day, we went back for our "gotcha day". It didn't take long for me to get over that initial disappointment. When we picked up our son and carried him to the van, he cried out for his "mama". I knew he was calling for his nanny.

With crocodile tears in his eyes, we left the transition home ready to become our son's parents. Little did I know that this little boy who loved his nanny and cried out for her would quickly attach to my wife.

In the early days, our son was attached to my wife's hip. He demanded that he be carried everywhere. Carrying a 23 month old constantly is exhausting but my wife carried him because he needed to be held, he needed to be close, he needed to feel the warmth of her skin.

In this way he knew he was loved and cared for. For him, this was his way of attaching to us.

Well, he was attaching to my wife.

Our son would come to me, but I was not someone he looked for when he needed comfort, soothing, love.... my bonding time with my son would look very different.

The first 7-9 months, our son routinely awoke anytime between 4am and 5am. I would bundle him up, put him in the stroller and we'd walk - anywhere between 2-4 miles. This was a wonderful way for our son to learn that I was not a bad guy. He was close to me, but not touching me. This is the way he needed to bond to me.

For us, a major treat was when he actually stayed asleep until 6 or 6:15. But, as tired as I was, those early mornings yielded beautiful bonding between Father and Son. Sure, it wasn't the recipe used in many adoption books but it was the one my son needed.

Now, my son is my bud and whenever I am not home, he constantly calls for "Daddy". Conversely, whenever my wife is out of sight, he wants "Mommy".

Figuring out how our son needed to bond to each of us has made our family connection strong.

The Adoption Journey: Learning to Love

Our son officially became a part of our family just about two years ago. Of course, he was really part of our family long before that. What an amazing feeling to carry him out of that orphanage forever! It was one of the best moments of my life. I can still remember every detail as if it just happened yesterday. The memory of it still fills me with a mixture of amazement and childlike wonder. It was so surreal. I remember riding in the car back to the hotel in a state of absolute shock that it had really, finally happened. Our son was ours. I was a Mama again!

Just a few hours later, my world came crashing down at bedtime in a hotel in Siberia. As I attempted to put my son to bed, it quickly became clear to me that our precious two year-old son did not even know how to be touched, let alone loved. I was at a loss. As I held my sweaty, screaming son, I realized that none of my maternal attempts at calming and soothing him were going to work. I had tried everything I had done with my other 3 children when they were screaming infants, but to no avail. He screamed desperately at me in Russian and wildly tried to escape my embrace.

I had read about this very thing, but that still didn't stop the overwhelming feelings of rejection, anger and sadness that welled up inside of me. I had been unprepared for the emotions that would need to be dealt with inside of ME, and I had underestimated the anger and sorrow that would be triggered in such a small little boy. Tears began to stream down my face as I began to grasp my new reality: our son was not the only one who needed to learn how to love.

True, our son needed to learn how to give and receive love, but I needed to learn to give love without being loved back. And I needed to learn how to forgive the people who had caused him this pain. Despite my preparation, I did not know where and how to begin.

So there we were: two mourning and frightened beings, weeping and clinging to one another in a hotel room in Russia.

For the first few months, our son fought our love with just about every ounce of his being. He screamed, he kicked, he bit... he even hurt the other 3 kids... and I knew I still had to love him. I wish I could say that it was easy, but it wasn't. I wish I could say I have never failed him, but I have. There were so many times I felt consumed with anger, which would quickly give way to sorrow and fear. How could I help my son? Why was God allowing this to happen? Would this ever get better? How much can a person get kicked and screamed at before giving up? What kind of mother must I be if our son still could not learn to love back?

Satan was always creeping around back then, getting into my thoughts and filling my mind with doubt and feelings of inadequacy. I spent the entire first year wracked with guilt and shame over the anger I felt. I knew I had to let go of all of it, or I would never be able to help our son.

Over the past year, I have worked hard on loving my son the way HE needs to be loved. We have cried countless times together. I have learned that when he rejects me, he is really begging me to love him. When he is mean and ugly, I have learned that he needs kind words, reassurance and affection. I must fight the urge to be mean and ugly back. I must swallow my pride and selfishness and love him. I candidly admit that this is a daily struggle for me, but truthfully - I love my son. I am not perfect at it, but I am learning. He is not perfect at being loved, but he is learning. We have been woven together and our bond is strong and unbreakable.

My son is my hero and he is my teacher. He has shown me things about myself that I never would have known, had he not been woven into our family. He has opened my eyes to the reality of what happens to a child's heart and mind when he is without love at the start of his life. My son has forced me to see that there is only one kind of love, and it is the kind that mirrors the love Christ has for us. Selfishness has no part in it.

Jesus fiercely loves even those who reject him. I know I cannot ever love perfectly, as Jesus loves, but I give it my best shot everyday and His GRACE covers me when I fall short. God is in the process of healing both Mama and son.

People often find out about our son being adopted and tell us what an amazing thing we have done by giving our son a home. I used to feel shame at this type of commentary, because I knew I had done NOTHING amazing. I would fake a smile and awkwardly thank them for their praise. If they only knew.... about my selfishness, my anger, my struggles to forgive, my feelings of inadequacy.... too many failures to count.

Two years later, I look forward to responding to these kind of comments. Now I know I do not need to be ashamed, I need to only speak the TRUTH.

I needed a lesson in love and I got one...

From a little boy.

GOD is the one who has done something amazing.