It's not as easy as it looks

I've seen the commercials and the websites.  A Child Waits.  Waiting Children.  Everyone Deserves a Home.  All They Need Is Love.  Whatever the catch phrase, it all means the same thing:  For these kids, life sucks.

All they want is a family.  But they don't know what it means to have a family.  It is something they have never had.  Or if they had it - they don't any more.  It is hard for them to understand how to trust.  It is difficult for them to think that they are good enough for a family.  It is hard for them to think anyone could love them.

And so they smile for the camera, putting on a happy face waiting for someone.  Anyone.  But not knowing what it really means if that someone answers their plea.

I always watched these commercials and browsed the websites and felt sad.  How could you not??!!  No child deserves living without a family.  Every child should have someone to tuck them in at night, to kiss their boo-boos, and to give them hope for their future. 

It is a world-wide epidemic.  Children all over the world wait.  The number of children without families is mind-numbing.

It isn't fair.

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for these kids.  Maybe I could do it.  Maybe I could be the family they are waiting for.  Maybe I could give them everything they've ever wanted - and in return, they'd give me everything I've ever wanted.  A family.  Something we both want.  How difficult could it be?

As I got beyond the surface smiles of these beautiful waiting children, a theme emerged.  "Special Needs."  "Attachment Disorder."  "Emotional instability."  "A home with no other children required."  I ignored the 'warnings' and believed it didn't matter.  They just needed a chance.  Perhaps one - or two, or three! - were meant to be a part of our family.  Maybe, just maybe.

I 'clicked here' to fill out an inquiry.  The response came:  "Because you have other children, you are not eligible to pursue this child."  I tried again.  "Out of state inquiries are not accepted."  Again.  "What experience do you have with older special needs children?"

Dead end after dead end.  And so I put my dream to rest.  We began to pursue newborn adoption.

Out of nowhere came an opportunity to foster 'older' children, who were younger than ours.  Perfect!  We had experience with this age, we were in the same state.  No roadblocks.  Just 2 smiling kids who needed a chance.  And we could give it to them. 

We brought them into our home.  We loved them up.  We kissed their boo-boos and tucked them in at night.  Then we gave them back to their mom until our next visit.  It was confusing for everyone involved. 

As time went on, the visits continued.  Sometimes.  Sometimes they didn't.  The mom wanted custody; she didn't. She did; she didn't.  She would disappear with the kids.  She would disappear when we had the kids. 

We battled head lice, fist fights, screaming matches, hitting, kicking, acting out drug-taking, talking about hookers, and breaking things in our house.

We witnessed tender moments, sweet smiles, hugs, kisses, playing nicely together, and family fun times.

Sometimes all within 10 seconds of each other.

It was exhausting.  These poor sweet children with the  beautiful smiles had no idea what it meant to be in a family.  We couldn't teach them.  We were too busy trying to do damage control.  Someone was always crying - and sometimes it was me.  Someone was bleeding, screaming, swelling from a punch or a kick, or crying over a broken toy.  Constantly.

We couldn't do it.  We. Couldn't. Do. It. 

The visits stopped.  The mom decided not to go through with her adoption plan.  Last I heard, the kids were back with her.  Not sure if that is a good thing. Or maybe we gave her the respite she needed to decide she did want to be a mom.  I'll never know. The agency can't tell me anything because of confidentiality. 

But what I do know is - I now understand the caveats:  "Requires a home with no other children."  "Experience in dealing with special needs children required."  "Attachment Disorder."  "Emotional Instability."

It's not fair that a child should be labeled with all these caveats.  It is unfortunate that these children have no choice but to not know what it means to be a part of a family.  It isn't fair that they don't have anyone to tuck them in at night or kiss their boo-boos or to give them a hope for their future.

For these kids, life sucks.  And it sure isn't fair.

Adjustment Timeline

At 3 years old, our son was considered an older child when we adopted him. When we started on the adoption journey, we had 'happy thoughts' of cuddling with our first child. We dreamed of what parenthood would be like.

Those dreams came to a crashing halt when we adopted him and we ALL went through the adjustment period. At times we were exhausted, overwhelmed, discouraged.

Thank goodness that is all a distant memory now. More than 5 years later, we are all well adjusted and thriving as a family. But it took a lot of work to get here.

Take a sneak peek at my journal I kept:

February 9 - We have our son! He is completely overstimulated, but oh so cute! He is so loving and wants to cuddle and kiss all the time. He freaked out in the bathtub and when we put him on the toilet. He fell asleep very easily.

Februay 10 - He woke up at 5am, ready to eat everything in sight. He is so hungry, poor baby! We might have a small problem. We tell him "no" and he laughs.

February 11 - Last night was rough. He didn't want to sleep but he was so tired. When I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said yes - but I'd put him in bed and he'd completely freak out. He screamed for 2 hours straight. He finally fell asleep with us on either side of him.

February 12 - Going to sleep was difficult again tonight. He just doesn't want to go to sleep and fights it with every ounce of his being. I was holding him and he was trying to push me away but I just held him tight and talked to him in my calm voice.

February 18 - We came home a few days ago. Everyone is anxious to meet him but he is completely overstimulated with it all and wants to just sit on my lap and be shy. I know cameras flashing, people crying, strangers in his face must be a lot to process.

February 20 - He seems to be adjusting okay, except for sleeping. He screams like crazy, for hours on end, in the middle of the night. It's like he's always been with us, though. Sure, we have some issues to work through, but I'm so glad he's here.

February 22 - He slept through the night for the first time! Yeah!!

February 24 - Well, there are 3 things: the potty, sleeping, and eating. We can get 2 out of the 3 right, but never all 3. Ugh.

February 27 - Last night, I heard him crying. I went in to check on him and he was laying in the middle of the floor! I picked him up and put him back in bed, wondering what had happened. I went back to bed and told my husband and he said, "Oh, yeah, I thought I heard a thump..." What?? I never even heard it! We are EXHAUSTED!

March 1 - Being a mom is more than I imagined. It's amazing and I love every moment. But I wish we could get this sleep thing kicked. I can't believe how much he screams. He makes his body stiff, he throws his head back, and he arches his back. If that doesn't work, he'll do anything to keep himself awake - picking his nose, flopping around on his bed, calling the dog. Just go to sleep - you don't have to do this for 2 hours every night!!

March 4 - Today he purposely (hatefully) ripped a photo album and picked his lips raw. What in the world??

March 10 - I bought him new shoes today. He tried them on in the store and was so excited. When I took them off, he cried. A lot. But when we got home and he saw he still had them, he squealed! He's not used to having anything, poor thing!

March 14 - It's been one month since we've been home, a little more than that since we've gotten custody. It seems like forever. I can't believe it just seems like he's always been here. The pain of the wait is a distant memory.

March 24 - We're having potty issues. I don't get it. When we're out, he'll keep his pants dry but at home, he could care less if he wets his pants. If I ask him if he has to go, he'll scream "NO!" If I take him to the bathroom, he'll scream. But when he goes in the potty, he yells "YAY!" I am at a loss.

March 26 - Big day! He said, "I love you!"

April 4 - I am so over this sleep problem!! It is so random, one night he'll sleep through the night and the next he's up every few hours. How is he not exhausted?? I know I am!!

April 5 - Well, just when my heart was melting because he couldn't stop telling me, "I love you!", I learned he loves everything. Today after he went to the bathroom, he flushed the toilet and said, "Bye bye, kucky, I love you!" then blew kisses down the toilet.

April 6 - We are going on a weekend road trip and he threw up all over the car. Lovely. It was everywhere.

April 7 - I am exhausted. He can't sleep in this hotel.

April 9 - He didn't have a nap today and fell asleep in 6 minutes flat tonight. It's a minor miracle.

April 15 - Instead of napping in the car on longer trips, he just cries. Screams might be a better word. When he stops screaming, he remembers he should be crying and starts all over again. Ugh.

April 18 - Rough day. He was crying about everything. For example, if I asked him if he wanted a cookie, he'd say yes. I'd give him one, he'd shout "NO COOKIE!" and throw it and then cry. I'm so confused.

April 24 - He is very angry for no apparent reason. Today, he was giving me dirty looks, "flapping" his arms, kicking his feet, screaming, crying, holding his breath. I tried to hold him and tell him I love him and he tried to push me away. Once I held him for 25 minutes until he calmed down. I just told him I loved him over and over. What is going through his mind???

April 25 - He is going from cuddly to angry in 2 seconds flat. I'm at a loss.

May 3 - He finally fell asleep at 10:30 last night after quite the fight. He woke up at 7:30 this morning. I am exhausted. Why isn't he???

May 5 - Big day. I took a shower while he wasn't sleeping! I'm so brave. ha ha ha.

May 7 - We've decided to stop rocking him to sleep. It's not working. He is flip flopping like crazy in his bed. I know this is the right transition, so we'll keep trying.

May 11 - We went to Toys R Us for the first time today. Big mistake. He was way too overstimulated.

May 17 - He's been sleeping through the night with no wake ups! It's been 3 or 4 nights in a row now. Exciting!!

The rest is history.... the first 3 months were the toughest for adjustment. We worked hard on fostering a relationship with our son. And he with us. After that, our family really began to become a family. The rest of my journal talks about zoo trips, vacations, cute things he said. But those first 3 months were so important for attaching as a family. Exhausting, but important.

I'm not suggesting that the magic number is 3 months - that will be different for everyone. The key is - expect it to be worse than you think it will be. Don't expect cuddles and kisses and happily ever after. You've got to work hard for that to happen. And then you've got to work harder.

No Hope

It was 11:00 last night. Everyone in my house was in bed - except for me. It was my wind-down time. Time to collapse on the couch and watch some mindless TV before bed.

I flipped through my favorite channels and landed on Food Network. It was Cupcake Wars. I thought I'd watch for just a few minutes. If you have watched this show before, you know that there are 3 rounds. The first and second round the bakers are judged on taste and appearance. Each round, one baker is omitted. The last round is different. They have to bake 1000 cupcakes in 2 hours. Then they present them on a display they have each created.

Every episode, there is a guest judge. That judge represents the organization for whom the cupcakes will eventually be displayed - and eaten.

Last night's guest judge caught my attention. I still don't know what charity she was representing, but it was an organization for kids. She had some artwork that the kids had created that the bakers were to use as inspiration.

My promised few minutes turned into an hour's worth of the show...

In that final round, the evenutal winner used her own 6-year-old-daughter's artwork in the cupcake display. There were butterflies, rainbows, and flowers. Words like hope, dream, and love were on the art too.

The guest judge was in tears. She said, "You got it. Perfectly. The kids I work with don't have any hope."

I was then in tears too. On the couch at midnight, all by myself. Watching Food Network and crying my head off.

No hope.

Kids have who have no hope.

I felt like my heart had fallen out of my chest.

Kids who have no hope sounds like an oxymoron of a sentence. Kids should be running and playing and getting their boo-boos kissed. Not having no hope. Kids should be cuddled and treasured and spoiled just every once in awhile. Not having no hope.

I was taken back almost 5 years ago. We were in a Russian orphanage adopting our son. Of course the children there spoke no English - but we heard, "Mama! Papa!" over and over from the children.

Heartbreaking. Kids who have no hope.

Then I thought about how I had spent my evening. On a computer. Specifically on adoptuskids.org.

Heartbreaking. Kids who have no hope.

Except maybe a glimmer. In both cases - in the Russian orphanage and on the website, there is a glimmer of hope. A shout out to a mama, to a papa. To someone. Anyone. Please.

I am not an adoptive mother because I want to save the world. I am an adoptive mother because I wanted a family. We adopted for selfish reasons. We were not thinking of the hope we were giving our children when we adopted them. We were thinking of the love we had and wanted to share with children. We were thinking of the desire we had to become a family.

But now, I do think of all the children who don't have families. The children who are begging for one - and yet night after night, they go to bed without one. I think about what it must feel like to have lost all hope.

It's devastating.

It doesn't matter if those children are in a foreign orphanage or a foster home right here in America. They have no hope.

I am at a loss. I can't give hope to every child without a family. My husband and I can adopt again, sure. We actually hope to adopt again and again! But we are just one couple who can only adopt so many kids....

But what about the rest? What about the thousands and thousands of children who have no hope?

My heart aches for all of them. They deserve a chance to have that hope.

After all, they're just kids.

Changing Culture One Family at a Time

My Dad is 70 years old. He grew up in a small town in Kansas in which he saw separate drinking fountains and designated bathrooms for white people and black people . My dad saw signs that said “Colored Enter in the Back”. My dad heard dozens of politically correct and downright hate-filled terms to define a people group in his lifetime. My mom had similar experiences. The generation of my parents closely watched the black and white televisions report the story of historically monumental leaps in the civil rights movement. I’m guessing the opinions did not vary much of that generation who watched this happen.

But now 70 years later, my dad and my mom will be grandparents to an African child. We will soon adopt a child from Ethiopia. They are receiving this child with open arms. Not without concern (as they should as parents), but in love and courage and faith.

We are slowly progressing forward even more in bridging the gaps between races. I believe that transracial adoption, while not overwhelming in the percentage of families who adopt outside of their race, it is extremely impactful in the lives of a family and community. It requires the races to hit head on with the heart and mind. I believe God will use the transracial family to require amazing love in and for all people. It is the impact of the family in which God will change a culture.

Jesus never tried to change society or government systems. In fact, he actually had an approach that we would characterize as very passive towards political and societal systems. What Jesus did focus on is the change in the individual, in the family. This is where the catalyst begins. Change the individual first and then the culture will follow.

This is what transracial adoption does for culture. It starts with the individuals, the families. My white sons will have a black sister. We will raise these children knowing both the traditions of our families before us. We will raise them with Russian traditions and we will raise them with Ethiopian traditions and with those mixed up European traditions. My sons will know what African hair feels like, they will eat injera, and they will know African history. They will know the culture of African-Americans like I never did. My daughter will sip tea, celebrate Father Frost and know what a Russian “samovar” is.

There will be a personal knowledge of the races between my children that I never knew.

And those around us will see how our children interact. Their children will watch and be a part of the changing cultural as they become familiar with different traditions and ways. But it is not familiarity of traditions that cause someone to change their perspective. What will change perspective is when they befriend and love the people who celebrate those different traditions.

Transracial adoption is the beginnings of a changing community, a changing culture. It is really remarkable to get to be a catalyst to a changing world. I count it a great blessing.

Getting to know our son's needs

Today was the day! We would finally meet our son! We traveled to Ethiopia with two other couples and we were all filled with butterflies. Our hosts came out and invited the first couple in. And then the second.

Then it was our turn - and we were told, "Your son is napping."

For a deflating two hours, we mingled with the other children at the orphanage and took pictures on behalf of other waiting parents. We would stick our heads in the room of the sleeping 2-year-olds and hope our son had awakened. We waited and waited. Finally his beautiful eyes were opened and I picked our son up.

Now, I am an adoption "veteran". I know that during the first meeting of adoptive parents and children, the Disney music is NOT always playing in the background. However, I had not prepared myself for our son's crying. He was emotionally attached to the wonderful caretakers at the transition house. In his world, he knew who was supposed to be there lifting him out of his crib - and it wasn't 1) a man who 2) spoke a language he had never heard. My son started crying and had to be taken by his nanny to calm and soothe him.

I, the adoption vet, felt terrible. I was tired from jet lag and totally depressed. I tried to put on a brave face, but I was bummed. My wife wisely played off the tenderness of the nanny who absolutely loved our son. Watching her, learning from her, my wife began the long process of bonding with our boy. I moped around the margins.

The next day, we went back for our "gotcha day". It didn't take long for me to get over that initial disappointment. When we picked up our son and carried him to the van, he cried out for his "mama". I knew he was calling for his nanny.

With crocodile tears in his eyes, we left the transition home ready to become our son's parents. Little did I know that this little boy who loved his nanny and cried out for her would quickly attach to my wife.

In the early days, our son was attached to my wife's hip. He demanded that he be carried everywhere. Carrying a 23 month old constantly is exhausting but my wife carried him because he needed to be held, he needed to be close, he needed to feel the warmth of her skin.

In this way he knew he was loved and cared for. For him, this was his way of attaching to us.

Well, he was attaching to my wife.

Our son would come to me, but I was not someone he looked for when he needed comfort, soothing, love.... my bonding time with my son would look very different.

The first 7-9 months, our son routinely awoke anytime between 4am and 5am. I would bundle him up, put him in the stroller and we'd walk - anywhere between 2-4 miles. This was a wonderful way for our son to learn that I was not a bad guy. He was close to me, but not touching me. This is the way he needed to bond to me.

For us, a major treat was when he actually stayed asleep until 6 or 6:15. But, as tired as I was, those early mornings yielded beautiful bonding between Father and Son. Sure, it wasn't the recipe used in many adoption books but it was the one my son needed.

Now, my son is my bud and whenever I am not home, he constantly calls for "Daddy". Conversely, whenever my wife is out of sight, he wants "Mommy".

Figuring out how our son needed to bond to each of us has made our family connection strong.

When God Speaks - Obey!

It was August 2004 when we began to explore the idea of adoption. Two months later - after much prayer! - we made the decision. We were going to adopt a child!

We researched adoption agencies and found one we liked. We began paperchasing. But then the doubts crept in. Were we too old to adopt? Would we have the finances to complete an adoption? Would our friends and family be supportive?

We finally decided to press forward and trust God.

By November 2005, we had finished our home study. Then we had piles of paperwork problems. It was May 2006 before we submitted our dossier (adoption paperwork) to our agency. But we were finally in the "waiting room"!

In October 2007, we made a very tough decision. After health problems and a job loss, we decided to stop our adoption process. Our hearts were heavy. We didn't want to close the door on adoption but we weren't sure what God's plans were for us at that time.

We prayed for wisdom and to know God's will for us regarding adoption.

In January 2008, we decided to start a morning couples devotional. One evening, we stopped by the Christian Bookstore to pick up a guide for our devotions. We were not sure what we were looking for but we put it in God's hands and had faith He would show us the way.

After several hours (we both get lost in a bookstore), we finally settled on a book.

Strangely (or according to God's plan) around the begininng of January, we both began to have feelings that we should re-start our adoption process. We started feeling a need to get our paperwork in order because maybe....just maybe.... We had been there before, and realistically we did not have the finances to complete an adoption. So neither one of us said anything to the other about what we were feeling.

That is, until we started our devotions.

As we began praying and doing our devotions daily, we started talking more and shared our feelings about the adoption. We were compelled to add the adoption to our daily prayer list and ask for guidance and wisdom.

Within days, we received a series of phone calls from our agency and our homestudy agency encouraging us to get back into the waiting room!

I have to admit, I was overcome with anxiety about this and could not wrap my head around it. It felt like a cruel joke. We had resigned ourselves to the fact that we would never be parents. We had given up the idea of adoption - we told everyone it wasn't for us and that God had something else in mind for us. We even thought perhaps our purpose was hosting exchange students.

Not sure if we were really "hearing God tell us to continue with the adoption", we focused our prayers on adoption and asked God to "hit us over the head please" with His will for us.

At the end of January, we received a call from our adoption coordinator telling us that we were at the top of the list but we MUST get our dossier updated. We were stunned!

We were feeling overwhelmed with happiness but also overwhelmed with sadness knowing that our adoption savings had been spent on living expenses for the past 5 months. That evening we talked about it and prayed about it and came to the conclusion that we could not afford to adopt. Why must it always come down to money? We went to bed that night praying for some message from God that our decision was the right one.

The next day, we began our usual routine. Got up, fed the cats, made coffee, brushed teeth, began our devotion. BAMM! There it was, our answer! The devotion was: Adopting God's Heart.

In the middle of the page was this statement: Caring for the fatherless is not simply a compassionate act. Adoption is not merely an additional means of growing our families to the desired size. Caring for orphans is about obedience and expressing the heart of God.

Clearly, God hit us over the head! The message was very clear, God was calling us to adopt and we were saying, "Not now. We can't. We don't have the money...."

As I look back, it seems that God was speaking to us clearly all along, we were just hard of hearing! God calls us to have faith and trust in Him that our needs will be taken care of.

We pulled out the adoption file and began working on updating everything.

In September 2009, we found out how faithful God is. Our daughter finally came home! She is such a joy. I can't imagine our family without her. The struggle was worth it and we are SURE God meant for us to be a family.

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28.

Choosing adoption wasn't easy

After we were married for a few years, we felt that it was time to have kids. So off the birth control we went... and I found myself dreaming of how I would paint the nursery and what we would name our baby.

A few months went by. Those months turned into years.

We are Christians but we began to struggle with our faith. Why wasn't God answering our prayers? Did we have some sin in our life? One of us wasn't spiritually mature enough? Were we thinking of having kids too much and that thought had become our idol? We weren't serving God enough?

There had to be an answer. And so we prayed. We prayed God would reveal whatever it was that was keeping us from having kids.

He was silent.

But our desire to have children wasn't silent. The desire burned - actually seemed to scream at us. Why was it so easy for everyone else to get pregnant?

We really wondered whether fertility treatments were the right route. But then we decided that if we needed other medical treatment, we wouldn't shy away from it. So we pursued it.

But it didn't work.

Why God? Why? Is wanting to have kids such a bad thing? It's not like we were asking for a lot of money or a mansion! We wanted a child. The Bible says procreation is good. Why couldn't we procreate???

We were completely exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We had never been so exhausted in our lives.

I just wanted kids. I started looking into adoption.

My husband just wanted kids. He wanted to continue fertility treatments.

"Why can't we just adopt?"
"Because we should have our own child."

We had completely opposite thoughts and we did not understand each other's viewpoint. But we both had the same result in mind: to be parents.

I made a 'deal' with my husband. "If we talk with an adoption agency, then we can go back to the doctor." I thought for sure that once he heard about adoption, he'd be hooked. He thought that once we went back to the doctor, we'd be pregnant.

So we scheduled appointments with an adoption agency and the doctor - both in the same day.

I loved the adoption option. He loved the doctor option. We were going nowhere fast.

We talked. We prayed. We cried. We finally decided we would try one more treatment - and then move to adoption.

Another failed treatment. So we moved to Option #2. Adoption. I felt like it was a back-up plan for my husband and so we talked. Really talked. He wasn't sure he could love another man's child as his own. I didn't understand. He was honest; so was I. We talked and talked and talked. We finally agreed that what really mattered was...we wanted to be parents.

It was heart wrenching. It really was. Deep down, I was completely disappointed too. I felt like I had let my husband down. That he had to settle for second best because I couldn't give him what he so desperately wanted.

But as we moved forward with adoption, God healed our breaking hearts. He showed us that His plans are always good, despite what hurts our circumstances had caused. He showed us how to love like we have never loved before. Most importantly, He showed us that adopting a child isn't Option #2 - but it is a perfect picture of what God has done for us. He has adopted us!

We now have a better understanding of the love that God has for us. God adopted us. He chose us.

We adopted. And we love our child more than anything. It doesn't matter that our blood doesn't run through our child - God's blood runs through that child. And the blood of Jesus covers that child - just as it covers us.

"....you have received the spirit of adoption...." - Romans 8:15.

God chose adoption. We did, too. Or maybe adoption chose us. Regardless, we are now a family in every sense of the word. My husband could care less about biology now - and completely loves this child with all of his heart. I do too.

Adoption is no doubt, a miracle.

Why we chose adoption

We had 2 little boys, at the time ages 2 and 4. I'd always dreamed of having a little girl. I also had rough finishes to my pregnancies with months of pre-term contractions. And lastly, but most importantly... I'd always loved and been intrigued by the idea of adoption. When people talked about it, even when I was younger - and again when I became a mom - the idea just pulled me in. There was something about it.

But it never came into our minds because we conceived quickly.

I still remember where we were when I first brought adoption up to my husband. Sitting in our driveway, watching our boys play. I said to him, "You know how I said I was DONE having kids?" (Our baby #2 was HIGH maintenance.) "Well, I think I've changed my mind. And what do you think about considering adopting?"

He was floored.

My husband confided in me that he always thought adoption was plan B - and since we hadn't needed a plan B, he had never considered it.

We prayed about it for 6 months and talked on and off during that time.

The following January, we applied with our adoption agency. 2 1/2 years later (a bit longer than we had originally thought!), we brought home our daughter.

Along the way, there have been multiple "signs" that we made the right decision. But there were also concerns along the way, when it took so long and tested our patience beyond what we felt we could handle.... had we discerned God's will for our lives incorrectly?

We are so thankful for those around us who lovingly and gently walked along side us during those emotional rollercoasters!

Just because it takes a long time, doesn't mean you aren't meant to be on that road! I learned patience like none other from that experience. And I have to say that not only do I love my daughter - as does my husband and our whole family - for that matter everyone... because pretty much everyone melts around her! - but also, I feel so incredibly priviledged to be a part of this adoption.

Wow. Adoption is just so amazing and I just am so happy to know and fully understand and to be a part of such an amazing miracle.

The same can be said of giving birth to a child.

But they are very uniquely different.

Our daughter is a gem and we can't imagine life without her!

Empty arms, heavy heart

When we got married, we had dreams similar to every other couple's dreams: the house with the picket fence, 2 kids, a dog. The American Dream.

A year after we got married, we bought a house. The next year, we got a dog. Check and check. The year after that, we decided we wanted to have kids. Check.... well, not so fast.

I was having some issues with the pill. My doctor said my dose should be increased. When I told him we were only a few months away from trying to have kids, he suggested I go off it altogether to give my body a rest and get ready for baby making. I came home from the appointment and my husband just stared blankly at me: "You can't go off the pill yet, we weren't going to start trying for a couple months!" "It'll be alright", I assured him, secretly thinking that in a few short weeks I would be pregnant.

Within a few weeks, we found out that my sister-in-law was having fertility problems. "Poor her" I thought, "perhaps she is too old to get pregnant." She was, after all, in her mid-30's. I was a spring chicken in my mid-20's, realizing I was in my prime fertility. Shortly after that, she told us she was going to attempt IVF. "Oh how fun," I thought, "We will be pregnant together."

Her IVF worked. I wasn't pregnant. But I knew I would be shortly.

A year goes by. The doctor says it is time to look into infertility issues. What?!?! I am in prime fertility years, I can't be infertile!

Test after test after test found - well, not much. "You are perfect candidates for IVF" I hear him telling us. IVF? Isn't that for old women? "Especially given your age, you have over a 60% chance of becoming pregnant." Well, alrighty then. An easy solution.

Easy it was not. Shots, testing, bloodwork, mood swings, bloating, weight gain. "It will all be worth it" we assured ourselves. The day of the transfer, they put back 3 embryos and we started dreaming of triplets.

A couple weeks later was the pregnancy test. Negative. What? Well, where did my babies go??? You put 3 in there and now they're gone?

It felt like we had been hit by a sledgehammer. We couldn't process what had happened. We cried. We got angry. We were in disbelief.

A few weeks later was our follow up appointment. I sat there, crying, just staring at the doctor as he told us "Sadly, you fell in the 40% range instead of the 60% range. When you try again, your odds will increase." When we try again? What planet was he on??? We were NOT going through this again.

Except we did. Maybe he was really convincing. Maybe we desperately wanted to have kids. Maybe we thought this was our only answer.

Another negative pregnancy test. We were devastated. I have never experienced such devastation in all my life.

The world slowly stopped spinning. I felt like I was barely holding on. Everyone around me was having babies. All of my friends were popping them out like it was nothing. It got really hard faking being excited for them. It never failed - when we'd go to WalMart, there would be a dirty screaming baby - and the mom would be just as dirty and screaming just as much. Seriously??? I quit going to WalMart.

We had a circle of friends that got together quite regularly. They all had kids. Some had 2 by now. We had to quit getting together, it was too emotionally hard on us to smile and pretend like we weren't hurting.

Eventually, we decided to adopt. "If we can't have our own...." we thought, "we might as well adopt. It's a second best plan, but we'll be finally be parents..."

When we found an adoption agency, we had a glimmer of hope. "Welcome to your paper pregnancy" said the paperwork from the agency. Pregnant! I was pregnant! Not in the way I had imagined - but I was thrilled to read that from the agency. Those words helped to heal me - and helped us to move forward.

Working on the mounds of paperwork kept me busy and focused. It was good therapy. When the paperwork was finally completed, we sighed a big sigh of relief. Finally. We will FINALLY be parents. And soon!

Nope. Not so soon. We waited and we waited and we waited. It made no sense. There were a TON of kids internationally who needed parents - we needed kids - and things weren't moving quickly. At all.

Month after devastating month we had no news of our adoption. This was all too familiar. We had years of month after devastating month of no news. We could not go through anymore!

But our agency encouraged us to perservere and hang in there. So we did. We still felt like the world was giving birth all around us - but we hung on. Barely at times, but we did.

Two long years after completing that paperwork, it finally happened. We became parents. All the misery - disappeared. All the questions - answered. All our fears - subsided. All our sadness - replaced with joy.

All because of one child.

A child who was not born of our bodies but immediately became a part of our souls. A child who opened our hearts in ways we didn't know possible. A child who made our empty arms full.

A child. Finally. A child. Parents! We were finally parents!

Once we were united as a family - biology disappeared. It didn't matter that we didn't birth this child. It didn't matter that we were born on opposite sides of the world. Nothing mattered. Except that we were all together. Finally.

And there is no doubt that we were always meant to be together. We can't imagine our lives without OUR child. This child is ours in every sense of the word.

Adoption was not second best for our family afterall. It was the greatest gift we could've received! Thank God for all those years of infertility - or else we never would've had this child - our child - as a part of our family.

God works in mysterious ways.

The Truth

Adoption stories are supposed to be beautiful and perfect, right? They are full of sweet moments and happily-ever-after endings, aren't they?

I used to be afraid to tell the ugly truths about our adoption story. True, there are many beautiful parts to the story: a precious little boy who needed a home, a family who had so much love to give... the list goes on. From the outside looking in, our adoption story looked like a fairy talke.

After we brought our son home, we appeared to everyone around us to be the picture-perfect family. Our son is absolutely beautiful, no doubt. It really seemed to thrill people that he looks just like all the rest of our (biological) kids. People love his big personality and bright smile. They oohed and aahed at how quickly he learned English - still do. And I can't forget to mention how people constantly tell us they think we are so noble for bringing an orphan into our family.

But what if I told you that, before our son came home, there were many days during the seemingly never-ending 2 years of paperwork that I really didn't want to continue? During that time, I often told my husband that we should just forget it and never look back. It makes me cringe to admit it, but it is the truth.

What if I told you that I lived in absolute fear of the financial requirements and strains adoption brings? We are not a family of means, and with 3 kids already, I simply could not see how we would afford it. I completely doubted God on that one.

What if I told you I wanted to yell at God "NO-WAY!" when I discovered our son lived in Siberia and I would have to leave my other 3 children not once, but twice, in order to bring him home? Wow. Leave my children who are safe and loved to bring my other child home who is alone and has no love? Seems like a no-brainer now.

What if I told you there were many times I didn't feel love for the screaming, angry two year-old son we brought home and that I had no idea what to do to help him? I thought I had read all of the books and was well-prepared ahead of time, so this was extremely hard to swallow.

What if I told you I have screamed back at a very small little boy who never deserved that kind of response, all because of my selfishness and childishness? Out of all the truths, this one cuts the deepest into my heart.

What if I told you I have felt a consuming hatred for those who have hurt my son in the past? I have never felt that way about anyone before. I didn't even know I could feel that way.

All of these things are hard to admit, but true. I have not been at all the kind of Christ-follower and mother I originally set out to be.

BUT...

What if I told you in all of this, there is and always was HOPE.

SOMEONE was always there with me,

HE pushed me to do the things I didn't want to do.

HE is the One who whispered to me, "Your son is out there and he is REAL. Go get him."

HE gave me the courage I didn't have.

HE took care of the financial details. What amazing miracles He did!

HE held my older children safe in His arms - He even enlarged their hearts and gave them a deep love for their baby brother while we were gone.

HE is the one who makes me see Jesus in my son's eyes when I am tired and feel as though I have no more to give him.

HE is the one who has healed my angry heart and has allowed me to see those who have hurt my son as He sees them.

HE is the one who, through all of this, has given me a deep and unbreakable mother-son bond with my son.

GOD has done all of these things - and more.

Yes, there is pain in this journey. My son was left without parents at the very start of his life. That HURTS. I still see glimpses of that hurt even now. People want to trun away from that truth... I wanted to turn away from that truth.

But God can turn pain into healing. He can turn failures into triumph. HE can turn hopelessness into hope.

God does miracles.

And THAT is the truth!

Attachment Disorder: A Parent's Viewpoint

"Any child can be transformed with enough love and consistency." That was something I said while we waited for our court date to bring our son home from Russia. Boy I'd love to travel back in time and smack myself in the back of the head... Here is when I say, "Self.... welcome to reality."

Attachment Disorder is a lot like lightning. I read about it, prepared for it... but deep down I knew our son wouldn't have it. Our wait between meeting our son and traveling for court was exceedingly longer than average (2 years) so when recommended by another adopt-mom, I decided I might as well read "Becoming a Family" by Lark Eshelman. Thank goodness I did...

I had expected a small array of attachment issues, but did not anticipate the destruction it would do on me personally. I never dreamed that such a small child could transform our peaceful family home into a war zone. And yet - there it was. Within the first 12 hours of our nearly 3 year old son stepping foot into our home, he had given our oldest daughter a black eye, and he had hit our other daughter in the back with a ruler. It was fear that caused him to lash out at my daughters when they crowded him with too much love and too many hugs.... fear that I assumed would subside over a few weeks once he realized he was safe. I was wrong.

It was 8 months of pandemonium before we met the right psychologist. She's a local doctor who had focused a lot of her training on attachment. And since I believe God is the Almighty, I don't count it as a coincidence that our meeting with this psychologist happened during our arrival to what some like to call "rock bottom". During that eight months, we were just barely surviving and slowly but surely anger and discontent made itself at home inside me. Our son destroyed his room, peed and pooped in numerous rooms in the house, he was aggressive and full of hate. His presence in our home made me actually consider leaving my husband so that I could stick the boy with him and be free... I would much rather pay monthly child support than deal with him anymore....

Thankfully, while those thoughts of separation were a fantasy, my marriage was strong enough and my husband was secure enough to survive it. We never seriously even considered it - although I'd be lying if I said it didn't (and doesn't still) pop back up and seem like a viable option for my sanity. This boy who called me Mommy, he was only my son on paper. He didn't love me and to be quite honest, I didn't love him. What was happening...???? I assumed that attachment disorder was something we'd have to counsel our son to overcome.... then why did it seem like I was also becoming a roadblock? I didn't even want to try anymore.... and I felt like a monster.


Fast forward another two years and I would love to say that things are all better. That's not the case. But on a quiet day while the kids are in school I am happy to report that I'm able to see the progress. He still struggles with a lot of hurt, a lot of anger. And at this point, I can't help but feel responsible for some of his hurt and anger. During these couple years of just barely surviving, I haven't always had the right response. When he was pushing me away, I was hurt - and I withdrew from him when he just needed me to love him. Most of the time I don't feel strong enough to be his mom.... my brain knows what he needs but my human-ness, my heart, just can't do it sometimes.

Parenting a child with attachment disorder goes against all my natural instincts of parenting my other two. Discipline approaches like Time-Out only reinforce his feelings of being an outsider when he misbehaves, and spanking only creates more anger and aggression. When he lashes out at me, I'm supposed to stay calm and tell him I love him. Some days, I just can't do it. But one thing that our psychologist has said that will probably stick with me forever is that "Being a good parent doesn't mean you do the right thing every time. It's reconciling when you've messed up."

So for my son, every day I try hard to be the mom he needs me to be. Some days I fail, but my desire for him to have love continues and so do my efforts moving forward.

Attachment Disorder is not only about the child. It has a lot to do with what you as an adoptive parent are willing to do for the child. It's a daily decision to pin your heart on your sleeve and risk it getting trampled on - and then starting over and doing the same thing tomorrow. All in the name of love.

One thing I recommend to all adopting parents is to find a good therapist before you ever bring your child home, no matter how old the child will be. Find one that you can talk to, feel comfortable with, and trust. I met quite a few therapists during our 8 months of desperation and they were a waste of my time - and theirs. I knew right away when we found the right one, there is just an unexplainable chemistry with her. Had I known to get one before we needed one, then we wouldn't have had to go through 8 months of floundering before we understood what was going on and how we should handle it.

This morning when my son was getting dressed, I heard him say to himself, "I wish I had a new mommy." Recognizing and understanding Attachment Disorder doesn't make it any more pleasant - but at least I know what I'm battling, and with the perfect amount of love and consistency from God, I can hope for a better tomorrow. For all of us.