I've seen the commercials and the websites. A Child Waits. Waiting Children. Everyone Deserves a Home. All They Need Is Love. Whatever the catch phrase, it all means the same thing: For these kids, life sucks.
All they want is a family. But they don't know what it means to have a family. It is something they have never had. Or if they had it - they don't any more. It is hard for them to understand how to trust. It is difficult for them to think that they are good enough for a family. It is hard for them to think anyone could love them.
And so they smile for the camera, putting on a happy face waiting for someone. Anyone. But not knowing what it really means if that someone answers their plea.
I always watched these commercials and browsed the websites and felt sad. How could you not??!! No child deserves living without a family. Every child should have someone to tuck them in at night, to kiss their boo-boos, and to give them hope for their future.
It is a world-wide epidemic. Children all over the world wait. The number of children without families is mind-numbing.
It isn't fair.
I've always had a soft spot in my heart for these kids. Maybe I could do it. Maybe I could be the family they are waiting for. Maybe I could give them everything they've ever wanted - and in return, they'd give me everything I've ever wanted. A family. Something we both want. How difficult could it be?
As I got beyond the surface smiles of these beautiful waiting children, a theme emerged. "Special Needs." "Attachment Disorder." "Emotional instability." "A home with no other children required." I ignored the 'warnings' and believed it didn't matter. They just needed a chance. Perhaps one - or two, or three! - were meant to be a part of our family. Maybe, just maybe.
I 'clicked here' to fill out an inquiry. The response came: "Because you have other children, you are not eligible to pursue this child." I tried again. "Out of state inquiries are not accepted." Again. "What experience do you have with older special needs children?"
Dead end after dead end. And so I put my dream to rest. We began to pursue newborn adoption.
Out of nowhere came an opportunity to foster 'older' children, who were younger than ours. Perfect! We had experience with this age, we were in the same state. No roadblocks. Just 2 smiling kids who needed a chance. And we could give it to them.
We brought them into our home. We loved them up. We kissed their boo-boos and tucked them in at night. Then we gave them back to their mom until our next visit. It was confusing for everyone involved.
As time went on, the visits continued. Sometimes. Sometimes they didn't. The mom wanted custody; she didn't. She did; she didn't. She would disappear with the kids. She would disappear when we had the kids.
We battled head lice, fist fights, screaming matches, hitting, kicking, acting out drug-taking, talking about hookers, and breaking things in our house.
We witnessed tender moments, sweet smiles, hugs, kisses, playing nicely together, and family fun times.
Sometimes all within 10 seconds of each other.
It was exhausting. These poor sweet children with the beautiful smiles had no idea what it meant to be in a family. We couldn't teach them. We were too busy trying to do damage control. Someone was always crying - and sometimes it was me. Someone was bleeding, screaming, swelling from a punch or a kick, or crying over a broken toy. Constantly.
We couldn't do it. We. Couldn't. Do. It.
The visits stopped. The mom decided not to go through with her adoption plan. Last I heard, the kids were back with her. Not sure if that is a good thing. Or maybe we gave her the respite she needed to decide she did want to be a mom. I'll never know. The agency can't tell me anything because of confidentiality.
But what I do know is - I now understand the caveats: "Requires a home with no other children." "Experience in dealing with special needs children required." "Attachment Disorder." "Emotional Instability."
It's not fair that a child should be labeled with all these caveats. It is unfortunate that these children have no choice but to not know what it means to be a part of a family. It isn't fair that they don't have anyone to tuck them in at night or kiss their boo-boos or to give them a hope for their future.
For these kids, life sucks. And it sure isn't fair.
Showing posts with label Deciding to Adopt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Deciding to Adopt. Show all posts
Monday, October 29, 2012
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Facing the Financial Giant
When we first felt called to adopt, we looked at the cost and were shocked. My husband is a self-employed artist (not much income) and at the time, I was making about $35,000 a year. The cost to adopt from Russia at the time was estimated around $35,000, so needless to say, it was daunting.
The whole thing was daunting to my husband, but I can still hear him say "if God wants us to do this, He's going to have to provide the money" and he said it with an "I dare God" kind of attitude.
Well... God did provide. Not just once - but 3 times (3 adoptions)!
Our first adoption took us over 2 years from application to bringing our son home. During that time, we saw so many miracles. We applied for every possible grant and received 2. We sent out letters to friends and family asking for help, etc.
Here are a few stories...
Old friends we rarely talked with called us. They took us out to dinner and gave us a check for $6500. We were shocked!! One other time we had a matching grant and were collecting money though our church. We attended a low-socioeconomic church, so had not shared our fundraising with the church itself. On the last Sunday that we could collect money a woman of our church comes up and hands me $40. This was a woman whose family had nothing (we're talking ratty clothes, a car that was falling apart, etc). She said God told her she needed to give us the $40. I started crying and explained that we had a matching grant and that this gift would be doubled. She cried with me, then pulled out another $20. Now $60 may not sound like a lot, but it was a beautiful example of how God was multiplying!
Prior to our adoption of our son we also had some significant credit card debt. Shortly after returning home with him we were able to pay off all of our credit card debt.
God definitely provides when you trust Him!
When we decided to return to Russia to adopt again, we did intentionally look for children with special needs. By requesting special needs we were eligble for more grants and also received discounts from the agency. We adopted one daughter with a limb difference and our other daughter, though labeled special needs, was perfectly healthy.
Again, God provided.
At one point, we needed to send the agency $10,000. We had $2500 in savings and just prayed that God would provide the rest. The day before we had to mail the money, our church board met and surprised us with a gift of $7500 towards our adoption. They did not know we had a payment due, nor did they know the amount, nor did they know how much we already had. But God did and He provided!
Our son's adoption cost us about $35,000 and the girls' adoptions (adopted together) cost about $50,000. That is travel, agency fees, hotel, food, everything. Over the four years and 3 adoptions, my salary tripled. At the time, I thought I must be a brilliant HR person, but that wasn't truly the case. God was providing for us. Shortly after we got our girls home and everything paid off, I lost my job. God moved me from a 6-figure salary to a fraction of that. But, my current employment allows me to be home with my kids and I am in full-time ministry, where God called me to be a long time ago.
Looking back, I am still amazed by how God provided for our adoptions and how He set everything up for me to be able to follow His call.
The financial part of our adoption sure seemed like a giant at the time. But God is bigger than anything we face - and with Him all things are possible. It sounds so cliche, but it is so true: Where God guides, He provides.
If you are being called to adopt, obey the call. Don't be afraid of the dollar signs. There are adoption grants available, you can have fund-raisers, and you can watch your household budget to save money for your adoption. All of these options are very practical financially.
But prepare yourself for the supernatural - God is going to knock your socks off when He shows you how He will provide for your adoption expenses!
Where God guides, He DEFINITELY provides.
The whole thing was daunting to my husband, but I can still hear him say "if God wants us to do this, He's going to have to provide the money" and he said it with an "I dare God" kind of attitude.
Well... God did provide. Not just once - but 3 times (3 adoptions)!
Our first adoption took us over 2 years from application to bringing our son home. During that time, we saw so many miracles. We applied for every possible grant and received 2. We sent out letters to friends and family asking for help, etc.
Here are a few stories...
Old friends we rarely talked with called us. They took us out to dinner and gave us a check for $6500. We were shocked!! One other time we had a matching grant and were collecting money though our church. We attended a low-socioeconomic church, so had not shared our fundraising with the church itself. On the last Sunday that we could collect money a woman of our church comes up and hands me $40. This was a woman whose family had nothing (we're talking ratty clothes, a car that was falling apart, etc). She said God told her she needed to give us the $40. I started crying and explained that we had a matching grant and that this gift would be doubled. She cried with me, then pulled out another $20. Now $60 may not sound like a lot, but it was a beautiful example of how God was multiplying!
Prior to our adoption of our son we also had some significant credit card debt. Shortly after returning home with him we were able to pay off all of our credit card debt.
God definitely provides when you trust Him!
When we decided to return to Russia to adopt again, we did intentionally look for children with special needs. By requesting special needs we were eligble for more grants and also received discounts from the agency. We adopted one daughter with a limb difference and our other daughter, though labeled special needs, was perfectly healthy.
Again, God provided.
At one point, we needed to send the agency $10,000. We had $2500 in savings and just prayed that God would provide the rest. The day before we had to mail the money, our church board met and surprised us with a gift of $7500 towards our adoption. They did not know we had a payment due, nor did they know the amount, nor did they know how much we already had. But God did and He provided!
Our son's adoption cost us about $35,000 and the girls' adoptions (adopted together) cost about $50,000. That is travel, agency fees, hotel, food, everything. Over the four years and 3 adoptions, my salary tripled. At the time, I thought I must be a brilliant HR person, but that wasn't truly the case. God was providing for us. Shortly after we got our girls home and everything paid off, I lost my job. God moved me from a 6-figure salary to a fraction of that. But, my current employment allows me to be home with my kids and I am in full-time ministry, where God called me to be a long time ago.
Looking back, I am still amazed by how God provided for our adoptions and how He set everything up for me to be able to follow His call.
The financial part of our adoption sure seemed like a giant at the time. But God is bigger than anything we face - and with Him all things are possible. It sounds so cliche, but it is so true: Where God guides, He provides.
If you are being called to adopt, obey the call. Don't be afraid of the dollar signs. There are adoption grants available, you can have fund-raisers, and you can watch your household budget to save money for your adoption. All of these options are very practical financially.
But prepare yourself for the supernatural - God is going to knock your socks off when He shows you how He will provide for your adoption expenses!
Where God guides, He DEFINITELY provides.
Monday, September 20, 2010
No Hope
It was 11:00 last night. Everyone in my house was in bed - except for me. It was my wind-down time. Time to collapse on the couch and watch some mindless TV before bed.
I flipped through my favorite channels and landed on Food Network. It was Cupcake Wars. I thought I'd watch for just a few minutes. If you have watched this show before, you know that there are 3 rounds. The first and second round the bakers are judged on taste and appearance. Each round, one baker is omitted. The last round is different. They have to bake 1000 cupcakes in 2 hours. Then they present them on a display they have each created.
Every episode, there is a guest judge. That judge represents the organization for whom the cupcakes will eventually be displayed - and eaten.
Last night's guest judge caught my attention. I still don't know what charity she was representing, but it was an organization for kids. She had some artwork that the kids had created that the bakers were to use as inspiration.
My promised few minutes turned into an hour's worth of the show...
In that final round, the evenutal winner used her own 6-year-old-daughter's artwork in the cupcake display. There were butterflies, rainbows, and flowers. Words like hope, dream, and love were on the art too.
The guest judge was in tears. She said, "You got it. Perfectly. The kids I work with don't have any hope."
I was then in tears too. On the couch at midnight, all by myself. Watching Food Network and crying my head off.
No hope.
Kids have who have no hope.
I felt like my heart had fallen out of my chest.
Kids who have no hope sounds like an oxymoron of a sentence. Kids should be running and playing and getting their boo-boos kissed. Not having no hope. Kids should be cuddled and treasured and spoiled just every once in awhile. Not having no hope.
I was taken back almost 5 years ago. We were in a Russian orphanage adopting our son. Of course the children there spoke no English - but we heard, "Mama! Papa!" over and over from the children.
Heartbreaking. Kids who have no hope.
Then I thought about how I had spent my evening. On a computer. Specifically on adoptuskids.org.
Heartbreaking. Kids who have no hope.
Except maybe a glimmer. In both cases - in the Russian orphanage and on the website, there is a glimmer of hope. A shout out to a mama, to a papa. To someone. Anyone. Please.
I am not an adoptive mother because I want to save the world. I am an adoptive mother because I wanted a family. We adopted for selfish reasons. We were not thinking of the hope we were giving our children when we adopted them. We were thinking of the love we had and wanted to share with children. We were thinking of the desire we had to become a family.
But now, I do think of all the children who don't have families. The children who are begging for one - and yet night after night, they go to bed without one. I think about what it must feel like to have lost all hope.
It's devastating.
It doesn't matter if those children are in a foreign orphanage or a foster home right here in America. They have no hope.
I am at a loss. I can't give hope to every child without a family. My husband and I can adopt again, sure. We actually hope to adopt again and again! But we are just one couple who can only adopt so many kids....
But what about the rest? What about the thousands and thousands of children who have no hope?
My heart aches for all of them. They deserve a chance to have that hope.
After all, they're just kids.
I flipped through my favorite channels and landed on Food Network. It was Cupcake Wars. I thought I'd watch for just a few minutes. If you have watched this show before, you know that there are 3 rounds. The first and second round the bakers are judged on taste and appearance. Each round, one baker is omitted. The last round is different. They have to bake 1000 cupcakes in 2 hours. Then they present them on a display they have each created.
Every episode, there is a guest judge. That judge represents the organization for whom the cupcakes will eventually be displayed - and eaten.
Last night's guest judge caught my attention. I still don't know what charity she was representing, but it was an organization for kids. She had some artwork that the kids had created that the bakers were to use as inspiration.
My promised few minutes turned into an hour's worth of the show...
In that final round, the evenutal winner used her own 6-year-old-daughter's artwork in the cupcake display. There were butterflies, rainbows, and flowers. Words like hope, dream, and love were on the art too.
The guest judge was in tears. She said, "You got it. Perfectly. The kids I work with don't have any hope."
I was then in tears too. On the couch at midnight, all by myself. Watching Food Network and crying my head off.
No hope.
Kids have who have no hope.
I felt like my heart had fallen out of my chest.
Kids who have no hope sounds like an oxymoron of a sentence. Kids should be running and playing and getting their boo-boos kissed. Not having no hope. Kids should be cuddled and treasured and spoiled just every once in awhile. Not having no hope.
I was taken back almost 5 years ago. We were in a Russian orphanage adopting our son. Of course the children there spoke no English - but we heard, "Mama! Papa!" over and over from the children.
Heartbreaking. Kids who have no hope.
Then I thought about how I had spent my evening. On a computer. Specifically on adoptuskids.org.
Heartbreaking. Kids who have no hope.
Except maybe a glimmer. In both cases - in the Russian orphanage and on the website, there is a glimmer of hope. A shout out to a mama, to a papa. To someone. Anyone. Please.
I am not an adoptive mother because I want to save the world. I am an adoptive mother because I wanted a family. We adopted for selfish reasons. We were not thinking of the hope we were giving our children when we adopted them. We were thinking of the love we had and wanted to share with children. We were thinking of the desire we had to become a family.
But now, I do think of all the children who don't have families. The children who are begging for one - and yet night after night, they go to bed without one. I think about what it must feel like to have lost all hope.
It's devastating.
It doesn't matter if those children are in a foreign orphanage or a foster home right here in America. They have no hope.
I am at a loss. I can't give hope to every child without a family. My husband and I can adopt again, sure. We actually hope to adopt again and again! But we are just one couple who can only adopt so many kids....
But what about the rest? What about the thousands and thousands of children who have no hope?
My heart aches for all of them. They deserve a chance to have that hope.
After all, they're just kids.
Monday, August 23, 2010
When God Speaks - Obey!
It was August 2004 when we began to explore the idea of adoption. Two months later - after much prayer! - we made the decision. We were going to adopt a child!
We researched adoption agencies and found one we liked. We began paperchasing. But then the doubts crept in. Were we too old to adopt? Would we have the finances to complete an adoption? Would our friends and family be supportive?
We finally decided to press forward and trust God.
By November 2005, we had finished our home study. Then we had piles of paperwork problems. It was May 2006 before we submitted our dossier (adoption paperwork) to our agency. But we were finally in the "waiting room"!
In October 2007, we made a very tough decision. After health problems and a job loss, we decided to stop our adoption process. Our hearts were heavy. We didn't want to close the door on adoption but we weren't sure what God's plans were for us at that time.
We prayed for wisdom and to know God's will for us regarding adoption.
In January 2008, we decided to start a morning couples devotional. One evening, we stopped by the Christian Bookstore to pick up a guide for our devotions. We were not sure what we were looking for but we put it in God's hands and had faith He would show us the way.
After several hours (we both get lost in a bookstore), we finally settled on a book.
Strangely (or according to God's plan) around the begininng of January, we both began to have feelings that we should re-start our adoption process. We started feeling a need to get our paperwork in order because maybe....just maybe.... We had been there before, and realistically we did not have the finances to complete an adoption. So neither one of us said anything to the other about what we were feeling.
That is, until we started our devotions.
As we began praying and doing our devotions daily, we started talking more and shared our feelings about the adoption. We were compelled to add the adoption to our daily prayer list and ask for guidance and wisdom.
Within days, we received a series of phone calls from our agency and our homestudy agency encouraging us to get back into the waiting room!
I have to admit, I was overcome with anxiety about this and could not wrap my head around it. It felt like a cruel joke. We had resigned ourselves to the fact that we would never be parents. We had given up the idea of adoption - we told everyone it wasn't for us and that God had something else in mind for us. We even thought perhaps our purpose was hosting exchange students.
Not sure if we were really "hearing God tell us to continue with the adoption", we focused our prayers on adoption and asked God to "hit us over the head please" with His will for us.
At the end of January, we received a call from our adoption coordinator telling us that we were at the top of the list but we MUST get our dossier updated. We were stunned!
We were feeling overwhelmed with happiness but also overwhelmed with sadness knowing that our adoption savings had been spent on living expenses for the past 5 months. That evening we talked about it and prayed about it and came to the conclusion that we could not afford to adopt. Why must it always come down to money? We went to bed that night praying for some message from God that our decision was the right one.
The next day, we began our usual routine. Got up, fed the cats, made coffee, brushed teeth, began our devotion. BAMM! There it was, our answer! The devotion was: Adopting God's Heart.
In the middle of the page was this statement: Caring for the fatherless is not simply a compassionate act. Adoption is not merely an additional means of growing our families to the desired size. Caring for orphans is about obedience and expressing the heart of God.
Clearly, God hit us over the head! The message was very clear, God was calling us to adopt and we were saying, "Not now. We can't. We don't have the money...."
As I look back, it seems that God was speaking to us clearly all along, we were just hard of hearing! God calls us to have faith and trust in Him that our needs will be taken care of.
We pulled out the adoption file and began working on updating everything.
In September 2009, we found out how faithful God is. Our daughter finally came home! She is such a joy. I can't imagine our family without her. The struggle was worth it and we are SURE God meant for us to be a family.
And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28.
We researched adoption agencies and found one we liked. We began paperchasing. But then the doubts crept in. Were we too old to adopt? Would we have the finances to complete an adoption? Would our friends and family be supportive?
We finally decided to press forward and trust God.
By November 2005, we had finished our home study. Then we had piles of paperwork problems. It was May 2006 before we submitted our dossier (adoption paperwork) to our agency. But we were finally in the "waiting room"!
In October 2007, we made a very tough decision. After health problems and a job loss, we decided to stop our adoption process. Our hearts were heavy. We didn't want to close the door on adoption but we weren't sure what God's plans were for us at that time.
We prayed for wisdom and to know God's will for us regarding adoption.
In January 2008, we decided to start a morning couples devotional. One evening, we stopped by the Christian Bookstore to pick up a guide for our devotions. We were not sure what we were looking for but we put it in God's hands and had faith He would show us the way.
After several hours (we both get lost in a bookstore), we finally settled on a book.
Strangely (or according to God's plan) around the begininng of January, we both began to have feelings that we should re-start our adoption process. We started feeling a need to get our paperwork in order because maybe....just maybe.... We had been there before, and realistically we did not have the finances to complete an adoption. So neither one of us said anything to the other about what we were feeling.
That is, until we started our devotions.
As we began praying and doing our devotions daily, we started talking more and shared our feelings about the adoption. We were compelled to add the adoption to our daily prayer list and ask for guidance and wisdom.
Within days, we received a series of phone calls from our agency and our homestudy agency encouraging us to get back into the waiting room!
I have to admit, I was overcome with anxiety about this and could not wrap my head around it. It felt like a cruel joke. We had resigned ourselves to the fact that we would never be parents. We had given up the idea of adoption - we told everyone it wasn't for us and that God had something else in mind for us. We even thought perhaps our purpose was hosting exchange students.
Not sure if we were really "hearing God tell us to continue with the adoption", we focused our prayers on adoption and asked God to "hit us over the head please" with His will for us.
At the end of January, we received a call from our adoption coordinator telling us that we were at the top of the list but we MUST get our dossier updated. We were stunned!
We were feeling overwhelmed with happiness but also overwhelmed with sadness knowing that our adoption savings had been spent on living expenses for the past 5 months. That evening we talked about it and prayed about it and came to the conclusion that we could not afford to adopt. Why must it always come down to money? We went to bed that night praying for some message from God that our decision was the right one.
The next day, we began our usual routine. Got up, fed the cats, made coffee, brushed teeth, began our devotion. BAMM! There it was, our answer! The devotion was: Adopting God's Heart.
In the middle of the page was this statement: Caring for the fatherless is not simply a compassionate act. Adoption is not merely an additional means of growing our families to the desired size. Caring for orphans is about obedience and expressing the heart of God.
Clearly, God hit us over the head! The message was very clear, God was calling us to adopt and we were saying, "Not now. We can't. We don't have the money...."
As I look back, it seems that God was speaking to us clearly all along, we were just hard of hearing! God calls us to have faith and trust in Him that our needs will be taken care of.
We pulled out the adoption file and began working on updating everything.
In September 2009, we found out how faithful God is. Our daughter finally came home! She is such a joy. I can't imagine our family without her. The struggle was worth it and we are SURE God meant for us to be a family.
And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Choosing adoption wasn't easy
After we were married for a few years, we felt that it was time to have kids. So off the birth control we went... and I found myself dreaming of how I would paint the nursery and what we would name our baby.
A few months went by. Those months turned into years.
We are Christians but we began to struggle with our faith. Why wasn't God answering our prayers? Did we have some sin in our life? One of us wasn't spiritually mature enough? Were we thinking of having kids too much and that thought had become our idol? We weren't serving God enough?
There had to be an answer. And so we prayed. We prayed God would reveal whatever it was that was keeping us from having kids.
He was silent.
But our desire to have children wasn't silent. The desire burned - actually seemed to scream at us. Why was it so easy for everyone else to get pregnant?
We really wondered whether fertility treatments were the right route. But then we decided that if we needed other medical treatment, we wouldn't shy away from it. So we pursued it.
But it didn't work.
Why God? Why? Is wanting to have kids such a bad thing? It's not like we were asking for a lot of money or a mansion! We wanted a child. The Bible says procreation is good. Why couldn't we procreate???
We were completely exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We had never been so exhausted in our lives.
I just wanted kids. I started looking into adoption.
My husband just wanted kids. He wanted to continue fertility treatments.
"Why can't we just adopt?"
"Because we should have our own child."
We had completely opposite thoughts and we did not understand each other's viewpoint. But we both had the same result in mind: to be parents.
I made a 'deal' with my husband. "If we talk with an adoption agency, then we can go back to the doctor." I thought for sure that once he heard about adoption, he'd be hooked. He thought that once we went back to the doctor, we'd be pregnant.
So we scheduled appointments with an adoption agency and the doctor - both in the same day.
I loved the adoption option. He loved the doctor option. We were going nowhere fast.
We talked. We prayed. We cried. We finally decided we would try one more treatment - and then move to adoption.
Another failed treatment. So we moved to Option #2. Adoption. I felt like it was a back-up plan for my husband and so we talked. Really talked. He wasn't sure he could love another man's child as his own. I didn't understand. He was honest; so was I. We talked and talked and talked. We finally agreed that what really mattered was...we wanted to be parents.
It was heart wrenching. It really was. Deep down, I was completely disappointed too. I felt like I had let my husband down. That he had to settle for second best because I couldn't give him what he so desperately wanted.
But as we moved forward with adoption, God healed our breaking hearts. He showed us that His plans are always good, despite what hurts our circumstances had caused. He showed us how to love like we have never loved before. Most importantly, He showed us that adopting a child isn't Option #2 - but it is a perfect picture of what God has done for us. He has adopted us!
We now have a better understanding of the love that God has for us. God adopted us. He chose us.
We adopted. And we love our child more than anything. It doesn't matter that our blood doesn't run through our child - God's blood runs through that child. And the blood of Jesus covers that child - just as it covers us.
"....you have received the spirit of adoption...." - Romans 8:15.
God chose adoption. We did, too. Or maybe adoption chose us. Regardless, we are now a family in every sense of the word. My husband could care less about biology now - and completely loves this child with all of his heart. I do too.
Adoption is no doubt, a miracle.
A few months went by. Those months turned into years.
We are Christians but we began to struggle with our faith. Why wasn't God answering our prayers? Did we have some sin in our life? One of us wasn't spiritually mature enough? Were we thinking of having kids too much and that thought had become our idol? We weren't serving God enough?
There had to be an answer. And so we prayed. We prayed God would reveal whatever it was that was keeping us from having kids.
He was silent.
But our desire to have children wasn't silent. The desire burned - actually seemed to scream at us. Why was it so easy for everyone else to get pregnant?
We really wondered whether fertility treatments were the right route. But then we decided that if we needed other medical treatment, we wouldn't shy away from it. So we pursued it.
But it didn't work.
Why God? Why? Is wanting to have kids such a bad thing? It's not like we were asking for a lot of money or a mansion! We wanted a child. The Bible says procreation is good. Why couldn't we procreate???
We were completely exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We had never been so exhausted in our lives.
I just wanted kids. I started looking into adoption.
My husband just wanted kids. He wanted to continue fertility treatments.
"Why can't we just adopt?"
"Because we should have our own child."
We had completely opposite thoughts and we did not understand each other's viewpoint. But we both had the same result in mind: to be parents.
I made a 'deal' with my husband. "If we talk with an adoption agency, then we can go back to the doctor." I thought for sure that once he heard about adoption, he'd be hooked. He thought that once we went back to the doctor, we'd be pregnant.
So we scheduled appointments with an adoption agency and the doctor - both in the same day.
I loved the adoption option. He loved the doctor option. We were going nowhere fast.
We talked. We prayed. We cried. We finally decided we would try one more treatment - and then move to adoption.
Another failed treatment. So we moved to Option #2. Adoption. I felt like it was a back-up plan for my husband and so we talked. Really talked. He wasn't sure he could love another man's child as his own. I didn't understand. He was honest; so was I. We talked and talked and talked. We finally agreed that what really mattered was...we wanted to be parents.
It was heart wrenching. It really was. Deep down, I was completely disappointed too. I felt like I had let my husband down. That he had to settle for second best because I couldn't give him what he so desperately wanted.
But as we moved forward with adoption, God healed our breaking hearts. He showed us that His plans are always good, despite what hurts our circumstances had caused. He showed us how to love like we have never loved before. Most importantly, He showed us that adopting a child isn't Option #2 - but it is a perfect picture of what God has done for us. He has adopted us!
We now have a better understanding of the love that God has for us. God adopted us. He chose us.
We adopted. And we love our child more than anything. It doesn't matter that our blood doesn't run through our child - God's blood runs through that child. And the blood of Jesus covers that child - just as it covers us.
"....you have received the spirit of adoption...." - Romans 8:15.
God chose adoption. We did, too. Or maybe adoption chose us. Regardless, we are now a family in every sense of the word. My husband could care less about biology now - and completely loves this child with all of his heart. I do too.
Adoption is no doubt, a miracle.
Why we chose adoption
We had 2 little boys, at the time ages 2 and 4. I'd always dreamed of having a little girl. I also had rough finishes to my pregnancies with months of pre-term contractions. And lastly, but most importantly... I'd always loved and been intrigued by the idea of adoption. When people talked about it, even when I was younger - and again when I became a mom - the idea just pulled me in. There was something about it.
But it never came into our minds because we conceived quickly.
I still remember where we were when I first brought adoption up to my husband. Sitting in our driveway, watching our boys play. I said to him, "You know how I said I was DONE having kids?" (Our baby #2 was HIGH maintenance.) "Well, I think I've changed my mind. And what do you think about considering adopting?"
He was floored.
My husband confided in me that he always thought adoption was plan B - and since we hadn't needed a plan B, he had never considered it.
We prayed about it for 6 months and talked on and off during that time.
The following January, we applied with our adoption agency. 2 1/2 years later (a bit longer than we had originally thought!), we brought home our daughter.
Along the way, there have been multiple "signs" that we made the right decision. But there were also concerns along the way, when it took so long and tested our patience beyond what we felt we could handle.... had we discerned God's will for our lives incorrectly?
We are so thankful for those around us who lovingly and gently walked along side us during those emotional rollercoasters!
Just because it takes a long time, doesn't mean you aren't meant to be on that road! I learned patience like none other from that experience. And I have to say that not only do I love my daughter - as does my husband and our whole family - for that matter everyone... because pretty much everyone melts around her! - but also, I feel so incredibly priviledged to be a part of this adoption.
Wow. Adoption is just so amazing and I just am so happy to know and fully understand and to be a part of such an amazing miracle.
The same can be said of giving birth to a child.
But they are very uniquely different.
Our daughter is a gem and we can't imagine life without her!
But it never came into our minds because we conceived quickly.
I still remember where we were when I first brought adoption up to my husband. Sitting in our driveway, watching our boys play. I said to him, "You know how I said I was DONE having kids?" (Our baby #2 was HIGH maintenance.) "Well, I think I've changed my mind. And what do you think about considering adopting?"
He was floored.
My husband confided in me that he always thought adoption was plan B - and since we hadn't needed a plan B, he had never considered it.
We prayed about it for 6 months and talked on and off during that time.
The following January, we applied with our adoption agency. 2 1/2 years later (a bit longer than we had originally thought!), we brought home our daughter.
Along the way, there have been multiple "signs" that we made the right decision. But there were also concerns along the way, when it took so long and tested our patience beyond what we felt we could handle.... had we discerned God's will for our lives incorrectly?
We are so thankful for those around us who lovingly and gently walked along side us during those emotional rollercoasters!
Just because it takes a long time, doesn't mean you aren't meant to be on that road! I learned patience like none other from that experience. And I have to say that not only do I love my daughter - as does my husband and our whole family - for that matter everyone... because pretty much everyone melts around her! - but also, I feel so incredibly priviledged to be a part of this adoption.
Wow. Adoption is just so amazing and I just am so happy to know and fully understand and to be a part of such an amazing miracle.
The same can be said of giving birth to a child.
But they are very uniquely different.
Our daughter is a gem and we can't imagine life without her!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Empty arms, heavy heart
When we got married, we had dreams similar to every other couple's dreams: the house with the picket fence, 2 kids, a dog. The American Dream.
A year after we got married, we bought a house. The next year, we got a dog. Check and check. The year after that, we decided we wanted to have kids. Check.... well, not so fast.
I was having some issues with the pill. My doctor said my dose should be increased. When I told him we were only a few months away from trying to have kids, he suggested I go off it altogether to give my body a rest and get ready for baby making. I came home from the appointment and my husband just stared blankly at me: "You can't go off the pill yet, we weren't going to start trying for a couple months!" "It'll be alright", I assured him, secretly thinking that in a few short weeks I would be pregnant.
Within a few weeks, we found out that my sister-in-law was having fertility problems. "Poor her" I thought, "perhaps she is too old to get pregnant." She was, after all, in her mid-30's. I was a spring chicken in my mid-20's, realizing I was in my prime fertility. Shortly after that, she told us she was going to attempt IVF. "Oh how fun," I thought, "We will be pregnant together."
Her IVF worked. I wasn't pregnant. But I knew I would be shortly.
A year goes by. The doctor says it is time to look into infertility issues. What?!?! I am in prime fertility years, I can't be infertile!
Test after test after test found - well, not much. "You are perfect candidates for IVF" I hear him telling us. IVF? Isn't that for old women? "Especially given your age, you have over a 60% chance of becoming pregnant." Well, alrighty then. An easy solution.
Easy it was not. Shots, testing, bloodwork, mood swings, bloating, weight gain. "It will all be worth it" we assured ourselves. The day of the transfer, they put back 3 embryos and we started dreaming of triplets.
A couple weeks later was the pregnancy test. Negative. What? Well, where did my babies go??? You put 3 in there and now they're gone?
It felt like we had been hit by a sledgehammer. We couldn't process what had happened. We cried. We got angry. We were in disbelief.
A few weeks later was our follow up appointment. I sat there, crying, just staring at the doctor as he told us "Sadly, you fell in the 40% range instead of the 60% range. When you try again, your odds will increase." When we try again? What planet was he on??? We were NOT going through this again.
Except we did. Maybe he was really convincing. Maybe we desperately wanted to have kids. Maybe we thought this was our only answer.
Another negative pregnancy test. We were devastated. I have never experienced such devastation in all my life.
The world slowly stopped spinning. I felt like I was barely holding on. Everyone around me was having babies. All of my friends were popping them out like it was nothing. It got really hard faking being excited for them. It never failed - when we'd go to WalMart, there would be a dirty screaming baby - and the mom would be just as dirty and screaming just as much. Seriously??? I quit going to WalMart.
We had a circle of friends that got together quite regularly. They all had kids. Some had 2 by now. We had to quit getting together, it was too emotionally hard on us to smile and pretend like we weren't hurting.
Eventually, we decided to adopt. "If we can't have our own...." we thought, "we might as well adopt. It's a second best plan, but we'll be finally be parents..."
When we found an adoption agency, we had a glimmer of hope. "Welcome to your paper pregnancy" said the paperwork from the agency. Pregnant! I was pregnant! Not in the way I had imagined - but I was thrilled to read that from the agency. Those words helped to heal me - and helped us to move forward.
Working on the mounds of paperwork kept me busy and focused. It was good therapy. When the paperwork was finally completed, we sighed a big sigh of relief. Finally. We will FINALLY be parents. And soon!
Nope. Not so soon. We waited and we waited and we waited. It made no sense. There were a TON of kids internationally who needed parents - we needed kids - and things weren't moving quickly. At all.
Month after devastating month we had no news of our adoption. This was all too familiar. We had years of month after devastating month of no news. We could not go through anymore!
But our agency encouraged us to perservere and hang in there. So we did. We still felt like the world was giving birth all around us - but we hung on. Barely at times, but we did.
Two long years after completing that paperwork, it finally happened. We became parents. All the misery - disappeared. All the questions - answered. All our fears - subsided. All our sadness - replaced with joy.
All because of one child.
A child who was not born of our bodies but immediately became a part of our souls. A child who opened our hearts in ways we didn't know possible. A child who made our empty arms full.
A child. Finally. A child. Parents! We were finally parents!
Once we were united as a family - biology disappeared. It didn't matter that we didn't birth this child. It didn't matter that we were born on opposite sides of the world. Nothing mattered. Except that we were all together. Finally.
And there is no doubt that we were always meant to be together. We can't imagine our lives without OUR child. This child is ours in every sense of the word.
Adoption was not second best for our family afterall. It was the greatest gift we could've received! Thank God for all those years of infertility - or else we never would've had this child - our child - as a part of our family.
God works in mysterious ways.
A year after we got married, we bought a house. The next year, we got a dog. Check and check. The year after that, we decided we wanted to have kids. Check.... well, not so fast.
I was having some issues with the pill. My doctor said my dose should be increased. When I told him we were only a few months away from trying to have kids, he suggested I go off it altogether to give my body a rest and get ready for baby making. I came home from the appointment and my husband just stared blankly at me: "You can't go off the pill yet, we weren't going to start trying for a couple months!" "It'll be alright", I assured him, secretly thinking that in a few short weeks I would be pregnant.
Within a few weeks, we found out that my sister-in-law was having fertility problems. "Poor her" I thought, "perhaps she is too old to get pregnant." She was, after all, in her mid-30's. I was a spring chicken in my mid-20's, realizing I was in my prime fertility. Shortly after that, she told us she was going to attempt IVF. "Oh how fun," I thought, "We will be pregnant together."
Her IVF worked. I wasn't pregnant. But I knew I would be shortly.
A year goes by. The doctor says it is time to look into infertility issues. What?!?! I am in prime fertility years, I can't be infertile!
Test after test after test found - well, not much. "You are perfect candidates for IVF" I hear him telling us. IVF? Isn't that for old women? "Especially given your age, you have over a 60% chance of becoming pregnant." Well, alrighty then. An easy solution.
Easy it was not. Shots, testing, bloodwork, mood swings, bloating, weight gain. "It will all be worth it" we assured ourselves. The day of the transfer, they put back 3 embryos and we started dreaming of triplets.
A couple weeks later was the pregnancy test. Negative. What? Well, where did my babies go??? You put 3 in there and now they're gone?
It felt like we had been hit by a sledgehammer. We couldn't process what had happened. We cried. We got angry. We were in disbelief.
A few weeks later was our follow up appointment. I sat there, crying, just staring at the doctor as he told us "Sadly, you fell in the 40% range instead of the 60% range. When you try again, your odds will increase." When we try again? What planet was he on??? We were NOT going through this again.
Except we did. Maybe he was really convincing. Maybe we desperately wanted to have kids. Maybe we thought this was our only answer.
Another negative pregnancy test. We were devastated. I have never experienced such devastation in all my life.
The world slowly stopped spinning. I felt like I was barely holding on. Everyone around me was having babies. All of my friends were popping them out like it was nothing. It got really hard faking being excited for them. It never failed - when we'd go to WalMart, there would be a dirty screaming baby - and the mom would be just as dirty and screaming just as much. Seriously??? I quit going to WalMart.
We had a circle of friends that got together quite regularly. They all had kids. Some had 2 by now. We had to quit getting together, it was too emotionally hard on us to smile and pretend like we weren't hurting.
Eventually, we decided to adopt. "If we can't have our own...." we thought, "we might as well adopt. It's a second best plan, but we'll be finally be parents..."
When we found an adoption agency, we had a glimmer of hope. "Welcome to your paper pregnancy" said the paperwork from the agency. Pregnant! I was pregnant! Not in the way I had imagined - but I was thrilled to read that from the agency. Those words helped to heal me - and helped us to move forward.
Working on the mounds of paperwork kept me busy and focused. It was good therapy. When the paperwork was finally completed, we sighed a big sigh of relief. Finally. We will FINALLY be parents. And soon!
Nope. Not so soon. We waited and we waited and we waited. It made no sense. There were a TON of kids internationally who needed parents - we needed kids - and things weren't moving quickly. At all.
Month after devastating month we had no news of our adoption. This was all too familiar. We had years of month after devastating month of no news. We could not go through anymore!
But our agency encouraged us to perservere and hang in there. So we did. We still felt like the world was giving birth all around us - but we hung on. Barely at times, but we did.
Two long years after completing that paperwork, it finally happened. We became parents. All the misery - disappeared. All the questions - answered. All our fears - subsided. All our sadness - replaced with joy.
All because of one child.
A child who was not born of our bodies but immediately became a part of our souls. A child who opened our hearts in ways we didn't know possible. A child who made our empty arms full.
A child. Finally. A child. Parents! We were finally parents!
Once we were united as a family - biology disappeared. It didn't matter that we didn't birth this child. It didn't matter that we were born on opposite sides of the world. Nothing mattered. Except that we were all together. Finally.
And there is no doubt that we were always meant to be together. We can't imagine our lives without OUR child. This child is ours in every sense of the word.
Adoption was not second best for our family afterall. It was the greatest gift we could've received! Thank God for all those years of infertility - or else we never would've had this child - our child - as a part of our family.
God works in mysterious ways.
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