After we were married for a few years, we felt that it was time to have kids. So off the birth control we went... and I found myself dreaming of how I would paint the nursery and what we would name our baby.
A few months went by. Those months turned into years.
We are Christians but we began to struggle with our faith. Why wasn't God answering our prayers? Did we have some sin in our life? One of us wasn't spiritually mature enough? Were we thinking of having kids too much and that thought had become our idol? We weren't serving God enough?
There had to be an answer. And so we prayed. We prayed God would reveal whatever it was that was keeping us from having kids.
He was silent.
But our desire to have children wasn't silent. The desire burned - actually seemed to scream at us. Why was it so easy for everyone else to get pregnant?
We really wondered whether fertility treatments were the right route. But then we decided that if we needed other medical treatment, we wouldn't shy away from it. So we pursued it.
But it didn't work.
Why God? Why? Is wanting to have kids such a bad thing? It's not like we were asking for a lot of money or a mansion! We wanted a child. The Bible says procreation is good. Why couldn't we procreate???
We were completely exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We had never been so exhausted in our lives.
I just wanted kids. I started looking into adoption.
My husband just wanted kids. He wanted to continue fertility treatments.
"Why can't we just adopt?"
"Because we should have our own child."
We had completely opposite thoughts and we did not understand each other's viewpoint. But we both had the same result in mind: to be parents.
I made a 'deal' with my husband. "If we talk with an adoption agency, then we can go back to the doctor." I thought for sure that once he heard about adoption, he'd be hooked. He thought that once we went back to the doctor, we'd be pregnant.
So we scheduled appointments with an adoption agency and the doctor - both in the same day.
I loved the adoption option. He loved the doctor option. We were going nowhere fast.
We talked. We prayed. We cried. We finally decided we would try one more treatment - and then move to adoption.
Another failed treatment. So we moved to Option #2. Adoption. I felt like it was a back-up plan for my husband and so we talked. Really talked. He wasn't sure he could love another man's child as his own. I didn't understand. He was honest; so was I. We talked and talked and talked. We finally agreed that what really mattered was...we wanted to be parents.
It was heart wrenching. It really was. Deep down, I was completely disappointed too. I felt like I had let my husband down. That he had to settle for second best because I couldn't give him what he so desperately wanted.
But as we moved forward with adoption, God healed our breaking hearts. He showed us that His plans are always good, despite what hurts our circumstances had caused. He showed us how to love like we have never loved before. Most importantly, He showed us that adopting a child isn't Option #2 - but it is a perfect picture of what God has done for us. He has adopted us!
We now have a better understanding of the love that God has for us. God adopted us. He chose us.
We adopted. And we love our child more than anything. It doesn't matter that our blood doesn't run through our child - God's blood runs through that child. And the blood of Jesus covers that child - just as it covers us.
"....you have received the spirit of adoption...." - Romans 8:15.
God chose adoption. We did, too. Or maybe adoption chose us. Regardless, we are now a family in every sense of the word. My husband could care less about biology now - and completely loves this child with all of his heart. I do too.
Adoption is no doubt, a miracle.